Taking Your Time: An Example
September 8, 2024 by Harvey
In today’s Journal
* Quote of the Day
* Taking Your Time: A Before and After Example
* Of Interest
* The Numbers
Quote of the Day
“Thinking is fun, but it doesn’t produce anything.” Patrick Dorn
Taking Your Time: A Before and After Example
(Personal to my first reader—Russ, this will not give away the story.)
The following before and after example is from my current novel. I rarely share a work in progress, but I routinely do what you will see below in cycling.
This is an example of why I talk so often about slowing down and being sure to include everything the character gives you.
I’ve mentioned before that during cycling I’m what Stephen King calls a “putter-inner.” That’s most often the result of slowing down and including things the character gave me earlier, but I omitted.
Here’s the partial scene before cycling:
I awoke the next morning with another thought: Perhaps I should do this job in the daytime.
Ridiculous. I would never consider doing such a thing. I am used to working at night, and I much prefer it. The shadows are good to me. I know how to make good use of them.
But as I stepped into the shower, the thought persisted.
For this job, I will be in deep woods. And on the target’s home ground.
He knows the terrain far better than I. I do not know it at all… yet. And he probaby has a name for every tree and every rock he cannot pick up and throw.
I know nothing but what I was able to see on Google Maps.
And if I go at night, he will have the advantage.
Won’t he?
I will not be able to see him, or even see much of what was around me.
But he would know every inch of the terrain. And the proper vantage points from which to watch certain areas.
He also might have the night vision goggles.
He might even have cut brush and moved deadfall to channel any intruders into a particular area.
It would be a killing field—and the intruders would not even be aware they were being directed.
And on the approach to those killing fields, he might even string tripwires that would set off bow traps.
Or he might have dug and disguised punji pits. I have heard of both of those things before.
Of course, that is a little extreme even for my imagination. I have never encountered such traps, but they are not imaginary. They exist.
And if I were to encounter such things, Boar’s Head would be the place.
Wouldn’t it?
He might even have strung or rigged or dug any number of other kinds of boobytraps.
So perhaps I should go in the daylight. I still would not have equal advantage, but at least I would be able to see what was around me.
At least in the daylight I can see where I am stepping. I can watch for tripwires and other anomalies.
And even if he spotted me first, who better than a petite woman with wild hair to look helpless and alone if necessary?
I can play the lost tourist. Vulnerable, and only exploring the woods.
Here’s the same excerpt after cycling back to include everything the character gave me:
I awoke the next morning with another thought: Perhaps I should do this job in the daytime.
Ridiculous. I would never consider doing such a thing. I am used to working at night, and I much prefer it. The shadows are good to me. I know how to make good use of them.
But as I stepped into the shower, the thought persisted.
When my hair was thoroughly soaked, I applied shampoo and worked it in with my fingers.
For this job, I will be in deep woods. And on the target’s home ground.
He knows the terrain far better than I. I do not know it at all… yet. And he probaby has a name for every tree and every rock he cannot pick up and throw.
I rinsed my hair, then squeezed body wash onto my loofah sponge.
I know nothing but what I was able to see on Google Maps.
When I was through washing and rinsing, I turned off the shower, squeezed the water from my hair, and stepped out to reach for a towel.
I fluffed my hair with the towel, then dried my face and started down over my neck and shoulders and chest and sides.
And if I go at night, he will have the advantage.
Won’t he?
I put one foot on the edge of the tub to dry that leg.
I will not be able to see him, or even see much of what was around me.
I put that foot on the shower pad and raised the other one.
But he will know every inch of the terrain.
And the proper vantage points from which to watch certain areas.
I put that foot on the shower pad alongside the other and fluffed my hair with the towel again.
He also might have the night vision goggles.
He might even have cut brush and moved deadfall—with the towel, I squeegeed one ear, then the other—to channel any intruders into a particular area.
I dropped the towel on the toilet lid and walked out into my bedroom.
It would be a killing field—and the intruders would not even be aware they were being directed.
I pulled on my underwear and socks, then my jeans.
And on the approach to those killing fields, he might even string tripwires that would set off bow traps.
I slipped my feet into my sneakers, sat on the edge of the bed, and bent to tie one.
Or he might have dug and disguised punji pits. I have heard of both of those things before.
I tied the other shoe, then stood.
Of course, that is a little extreme even for my imagination. I have never encountered such traps, but they are not imaginary. They exist.
I went to the dresser, opened the second drawer, and took out a bright yellow t-shirt.
And if I were to encounter such things, Boar’s Head would be the place.
Wouldn’t it?
I pulled the t-shirt over my head. As I tugged it down over the waistband of my jeans, I walked to the full-length mirror. My hair was still damp, still a mess. I ran my fingers through it.
He might even have strung or rigged or dug any number of other kinds of boobytraps.
I shook my head hard, watched my hair settle.
That looks better. Perhaps there is a blow dryer in the bathroom. I started in that direction.
So perhaps I should go in the daylight. I still would not have equal advantage, but at least I would be able to see what was around me.
I switched on the blow dryer and began fluffing my hair.
At least in the daylight I can see where I am stepping. I can watch for tripwires and other anomalies.
And even if he spotted me first, who better than a petite woman with wild hair to look helpless and alone if necessary?
I can play the lost tourist. Vulnerable, and only exploring the woods.
*
The first excerpt is 394 words. The second is 668 words. (The entire chapter is 1653 words.)
Do you see in the second exerpt how much less is left to the reader’s imagination?
With the additions, the character is forcing the reader to see what she’s doing through the entire partial scene. It enhances the reader’s ability to see her thought process.
Back tomorrow with the Bradbury Challenge report and an exciting new announcement.
Talk with you again then.
Of Interest
The Numbers
The Journal……………………………… 1300
Writing of Blackwell Ops 28: Ariana Ramos
Day 1…… 2583 words. To date…… 2583
Day 2…… 1339 words. To date…… 3922
Day 3…… 1526 words. To date…… 5448
Day 4…… 3941 words. To date…… 9389 (Sep1)
Day 5…… 2734 words. To date…… 12123
Day 6…… 2584 words. To date…… 14707
Day 7…… 3711 words. To date…… 18418
Day 8…… 3668 words. To date…… 22086
Day 9…… 0613 words. To date…… 22699
Day 10…. 2568 words. To date…… 25267
Fiction for September……………………. 23528
Fiction for 2024………………………….… 618932
Fiction since October 1…………………… 807316
Nonfiction for September………………… 9060
Nonfiction for 2024……………………….. 283900
2024 consumable words…………………. 788159
Average Fiction WPD (September)……… 3361
2024 Novels to Date……………………… 12
2024 Novellas to Date……………………. 0
2024 Short Stories to Date……………….. 5
Novels (since Oct 19, 2014)……………… 94
Novellas (since Nov 1, 2015)……………… 9
Short stories (since Apr 15, 2014)……… 242
Short story collections…………………….. 29
Disclaimer: I am a prolific professional fiction writer, but please try this at home. You can do it.
On this blog I teach Writing Into the Dark and adherence to Heinlein’s Rules. Unreasoning fear and the myths of writing are lies. They will slow your progress as a writer or stop you cold. I will never teach the myths on this blog.
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What a lovely example!