On the POV Character's Unspoken Thoughts
In Today's Journal
* Quote of the Day
* On the POV Character's Unspoken Thoughts
* Guest Posts Welcome
* Of Interest
* The Numbers
Quote of the Day
"Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in!" from the screenplay written by Mario Puzo and Francis Ford Coppola. The line is effectively delivered by actor Al Pacino as Michael Corleone in The Godfather, Part III (1990).
On the POV Character's Unspoken Thoughts
A writer asked me a fairly basic question, whether to use quotation marks to set off a POV character's unspoken thoughts.
First, here's the verbatim example the writer provided me:
Tom sat down and thought, This has to stop. I refuse to continue on this way any longer.
Here's my response. It goes beyond covering the basic question:
First...
Use quotation marks only for spoken thought (monologue or dialogue).
I used to advocate setting off unspoken thought in italics. I no longer recommend that.
My reasoning?
The fact that unspoken thought is ALWAYS presented in present tense and that narrative is best presented in past tense subliminally signals to the reader which is which.
Despite what some people will tell you,
present-tense used in narrative is not "more immediate." Present tense is great for stage direction in screenplays and stageplays, and it sounds like stage direction. In a short story or novel, the reader wants to see what happened, not what you're directing the character to do.
That said, however you choose to indicate the difference between unspoken thought and narrative, be consistent throughout the story. Anything less than consistency will confuse (and drive away) the reader.
As an aside, to present the POV character's unspoken thought (some call it 'internal monologue' or 'internal dialogue') you never have to use the word "thought."
Those writers who do so intentionally are padding the word count.
Those who do so unintentionally—despite their marketing skill or bestseller (or not) status—don't know any better yet.
Also, a POV character's unspoken thoughts do not occur within a void.
So with some extra writing added to provide some context to the example the writer sent me, I would write the example like the following. The numbers indicate a paragraph indent (in fiction, I use a .015 first line indent):
Mary glared at Tom, then pointed past him at the front door. "That's how it's going to be, understand? And if you don't like it, feel free to pack your crap and get out!" She turned, stormed into the bedroom, and slammed the door behind her.
Tom stared at the bedroom door for a moment, then went to the couch and sat down. Again he looked at the door, then put his head in his hands.
This has to stop. I refuse to continue living this way any longer.
After a long moment, he got up and crossed the living room. He stopped at the front door, glanced back at the bedroom door, and shook his head. Quietly, he said, "If that's how you want it, it's fine by me." He opened the door and walked out.
The airport. That's where I'll go. And why not? I'm free now.
Two hours later, he was on a plane bound for the Bahamas and his new life.
Above, as I hope you can see,
The first paragraph sets up the reason for the POV character's response.
The second paragraph lets the reader see the POV character's initial reaction.
The third paragraph is the POV character's unspoken thought. (Again, note that unspoken thought is always in present tense. That's a subliminal message to the reader that the unspoken thought isn't descriptive narrative, which is presented in past tense.)
The fourth paragraph is more narrative description and then a brief monologue. That paragraph lets the reader see his actions and hear his tone and what he says.
The fifth paragraph is another unspoken thought.
The sixth paragraph is the final bit of narrative that ends the scene and propels the reader into the next scene.
If you're wondering about the car the POV character left at the airport, I can only assume that's Mary's problem now.
Or maybe Tom decided to be unnecessarily kind to Mary and called for a cab and I just missed it. Shrug. Who knows?
I hope this helps.
If you are having problems
with more basic mechanics like this, before you email me, please at least consider purchasing and reading
Writing Better Fiction, which also goes into advanced techniques
If you're having trouble even sitting down to start writing, buy and read Quiet the Critical Voice and Write Fiction. That will help too.
Combined, those four books comprise a master's course in writing fiction. And if you purchase them through my StoneThread Publishing online store, you will get each of them at a discount.
Then, after you've read them, feel free to ask me any 'clarification' questions you want. I'll be happy to respond with a private lesson.
My response will help you more if you send an example from your own work. I actively want to help, but don't bind my hands.
If you do write me with a question, I will assume others have the same question and they simply refuse to ask for whatever reason. So chances are good I will include your example (anonymously, of course, unless you want me to use your name) and my response in a post in TNDJ.
Finally, if you'd rather learn by sheer osmosis, buy my fiction instead. You'll be entertained, and as a bonus, you'll learn new things about writing.
Guest Posts Welcome
As I've said before, I'll be posting a little less often. If there's a writing or publishing topic you know well, consider sharing that knowledge with others by writing a guest post for TNDJ.
If you're in doubt about whether your topic would make a good guest post, queries are welcome at harveystanbrough@gmail.com. Please spell check before you send. Any editing I do will be necessary and light.
Also, I'd be happy to link to your website, Amazon or Facebook (etc.) page, to books you want to promote, and so on. (Please provide the links.)
Of Interest
5 Tips to Hook Readers From Chapter One I've been over this before, but if you'd rather hear it from Writer's Digest, here you go. Try to avoid the myths as you delve into that world.
The Numbers
The Journal…………………………… 1060
Writing of Blackwell Ops 37: Temple-Schiff
Day 1…… 2012 words. To date…… 2012
Day 2…… 2487 words. To date…… 4499
Day 3…… 4597 words. To date…… 9096
Day 4…… 2790 words. To date…… 11886
Day 5…… 3430 words. To date…… 15316
Day 6…… 3353 words. To date…… 18669
Day 7…… 2811 words. To date…… 21480
Day 8…… 3166 words. To date…… 24646
Fiction for February………………….. 30126
Fiction for 2025………………………. 151481
Nonfiction for February…………….... 9280
Nonfiction for 2025…………………… 41260
2025 consumable words…………….. 186231
Average Fiction WPD (February)…….. 3013
2025 Novels to Date…………………….. 3
2025 Novellas to Date…………………… 0
2025 Short Stories to Date……………… 4
Novels (since Oct 19, 2014)…………..... 107
Novellas (since Nov 1, 2015)…………… 10
Short stories (since Apr 15, 2014)……… 275
Short story collections……………………. 29
Disclaimer: Whatever you believe, unreasoning fear and the myths that outlining, revising, and rewriting will make your work better are lies. They will always slow your progress as a writer or stop you cold. I will never teach the myths on this blog.
Writing fiction should never be something that stresses you out. It should be fun. On this blog I teach Writing Into the Dark and adherence to Heinlein’s Rules. Because of WITD and because I endeavor to follow those Rules I am a prolific professional fiction writer. You can be too.
So I do use 'thought', in some cases, when it's more of an observation, and not immediately important. I don't italicize it.
Mary thought about the grocery list that she had left on the table with the hotel address written on the back of it and hoped her husband wouldn't bother to look, since it was a grocery list.
If it's a direct thought/monologue and I want it to be immediate and important, then I italicize it and make it present tense.
Mary remembered that she left the grocery list with the hotel address on the back on the table.
/italics/ I hope Ben doesn't find it. But, if he does, he isn't likely to look at the back, because it's just a grocery list. /italics/
And if it's telepathy to another person or if it's talking over a radio (but not a phone...I don't know why that is different to me?) I'll choose one mode and only use it for that, such as:
::Ben! Don't look at the note!::
and
"/italics/Ben, this is Mary, over./italics" Her voice was tinny over the comms, as though in a deep gravity well.
But I totally agree that consistency is the key.
As for your example, although I could tell which was the thoughts, as a reader it jarred me out of the story, as I read it twice to make sure. For me, personally, it wasn't directly obvious on the first reading. But if all your stories were that way I would probably adjust to it, as it was consistent,
Not dissing what you said, just giving my experience as a reader.
You are an amazing writer! Wow. I saved this small blurb so I can learn how to write like this; to be inspired to write this way. Showing the difference side by side is powerful. Thank you for sharing your talent….and “thoughts” (haha)