On Clarity
In Today's Journal
* Quote of the Day
* On Clarity—Maybe Next-Level Stuff
* Of Interest
* The Numbers
Quote of the Day
"There is always some kid who may be seeing me for the first time. I owe him my best." Joe DiMaggio
Hmm... There is always some reader who might be seeing your work for the first time. Even aside from the money, you owe him your best, yes?
Which means you owe him an authentic story, the story your characters (not you) are actually living. So write into the dark, cycle over it (all while in the creative subconscious), and publish it.
On Clarity
Maybe next-level stuff for some of you.
I might've also titled this segment Giving the Reader Every Chance to See What You Want Him to See.
Yesterday, In my current novel and in the immediate prelude to a hit, here's what my POV character encountered (and what I first recorded) when he opened an office door:
The office smelled of dusty old roses.
Randall P. Figg—his mostly bald head bowed on a scrawny neck between pointy shoulders in a white button-down shirt, his suitcoat draped over the back of his chair, and his face hovering above his desk as he studied a wide sheet of light blue-and-white lined paper, the yellowed fingernail at the tip of a gnarled finger moving over it—didn’t even look up.
Convoluted, isn't it?
The basic sentence is "Randal P. Figg didn't even look up."
The rest is written grammatically correctly, with the lengthy interruption set off with em dashes. But as I said, the construction is convoluted.
The reader is required to step back from the immediate scene and read the description, which the POV character took-in in less than a second.
Also, remember my recent post about the Rule of Three? There are four parallel items in the interruption. But I (the presenter) don't want the reader to miss or skip over any of those.
So to untangle the convoluted construction and to bring the whole passage back into line with the Rule of Three, during cycling, on the fly, I recast the passage like this:
The office smelled of dusty old roses.
Randall P. Figg.
His mostly bald head was bowed on a scrawny neck between pointy shoulders in a white button-down shirt. His suitcoat was draped over the back of his chair. His face hovered above his desk as he studied a wide sheet of light blue-and-white lined paper. The yellowed fingernail at the tip of his gnarled index finger moved over the page.
He didn’t even look up.
Note that in the third paragraph still contains four sentences.
I could have started a new paragraph with "His face," transitioning between the "top" and "bottom" of what the POV character saw and making each of those two paragraphs two sentences long instead of leaving one 4-sentence paragraph in place (again, Rule of Three).
Instead I left the paragraph intact so the reader would receive it as a single, unbroken observation. I made that "decision" on the fly while in the creative subconscious.
I've written into the dark since the beginning, (that doesn't come from experience or practice, it comes from trusting yourself), but as you write into the dark and practice putting new words on the page and trusting your characters, you will learn to make adjustments on the fly while remaining in the creative subconscious.
AnNeeWay, now let's get down into the weeds:
The first sentence of the passage is set apart in its own paragraph to emphasize it. That scent was the first sensory input the POV character encountered in that office. It probably washed over him as he opened the door.
That paragraph and the next (a sentence fragment, also set in its own paragraph for emphasis), form the POV character's first stark realization: He is in the right place and he's recognized his target.
As an aside, does the POV character also equate "dusty old roses" with "Randall P. Figg"? Who knows. That's strictly up to the reader's perception, and it doesn't matter.
If the reader does make the connection, it's an easter egg (a bonus). If he doesn't, no loss.
The first sentence in the third paragraph is a simple sentence (head was bowed). Three prepositional phrases, all descriptive, complete the POV character's initial perception:
on a scrawny neck
between pointy shoulders
in a white button-down shirt
The second sentence in the third paragraph is also a simple sentence and a slightly 'drab' one, providing an instant of rest for the reader after all the information he absorbed from the first sentence.
The third sentence in the third paragraph is complex, an independent clause followed by a dependent (subordinate clause). This breaks up the possibly (for some readers) boring rhythm of the simple sentences.
Then the fourth and fifth sentences (the fifth is also set off in its own paragraph) are simple sentences, completing a subliminal pattern: 2 simple sentences, 1 complex sentence, 2 simple sentences.
In the meantime, in that 64-word third paragraph, the reader gets a ton of visual input:
a mostly bald, bowed head
a scrawny neck
pointy shoulders
a white shirt
a suitcoat draped over the back of a desk chair
a hovering face
his desk (though only in the abstract)
a wide sheet of light blue-and-white lined paper
a yellowed fingernail
the tip of a gnarled index finger
moving left to right
He didn't look up
(Note: As another aside, the yellowed fingernail, the tip of a gnarled index finger, and moving left to right are minuscule details to focus the reader down in the scene.)
As I did with the first two sentences of the passage, I set off the final sentence in its own paragraph for a particular reason: To add emphasis (and drama, or what some call 'a dramatic beat').
From there, the POV character could easily have ended the scene with, "I shot him in the top of the head" or some such thing, but he didn't.
Instead, in the paragraph after "He didn't even look up," the target himself spoke:
“Yes, Randy, what is it?” He tapped the sheet with the back of his left hand. “These confounded figures won’t audit themselves, you know.”
That was followed by another observation by the POV character:
He reminded me of Ebeneezer Scrooge hovering over his accounts.
And the scene continued for another 206 words. (If you end up buying this novel in a week or so, the above scene is in Chapter 10.)
Questions? Leave a comment or email me at harveystanbrough@gmail.com.
Of Interest
Generating Endless Story Ideas Poorly titled. This article is about much more than generating ideas. A rare good post from Writer's Digest. Again, learn with the conscious, create with the creative subconscious.
The Numbers
The Journal…………………………… 1130
Writing of Blackwell Ops 39: More Paul Stone
Day 1…… 2789 words. To date…… 2789
Day 2…… 3308 words. To date…… 6097
Day 3…… 2019 words. To date…… 8116
Day 4…… 4404 words. To date…… 12520
Day 5…… 3598 words. To date…… 16118
Day 6…… 4106 words. To date…… 20224
Fiction for March…………………….. 31733
Fiction for 2025………………………. 217564
Nonfiction for March……………........ 10080
Nonfiction for 2025…………………… 64010
2025 consumable words…………….. 275064
Average Fiction WPD (March)……... 3173
2025 Novels to Date…………………….. 5
2025 Novellas to Date…………………… 0
2025 Short Stories to Date……………… 11
Novels (since Oct 19, 2014)…………..... 109
Novellas (since Nov 1, 2015)…………… 10
Short stories (since Apr 15, 2014)……… 281
Short story collections……………………. 29
Disclaimer: Whatever you believe, unreasoning fear and the myths that outlining, revising, and rewriting will make your work better are lies. They will always slow your progress as a writer or stop you cold. I will never teach the myths on this blog.
Writing fiction should never be something that stresses you out. It should be fun. On this blog I teach Writing Into the Dark and adherence to Heinlein’s Rules. Because of WITD and because I endeavor to follow those Rules I am a prolific professional fiction writer. You can be too.
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Harvey - thank you so much for sharing your talent. The most descriptive words to me were “scrawny neck on pointed shoulders” and “yellowed fingernail.” I imagined him as an Ebenezer Scrooge before I got to that part. How Brilliant!
Stupid question but I will ask it - what is the difference if you write “his head was bowed” vs “his head bowed” or “his bag was draped” vs “his bag draped.” As a reader, I don’t care but as a writer I feel like I use “was” too much and try to remove it where I can during cycling. Am I wasting my time or do you think that is beneficial?
Your explanation definitely helps!! ! I didn’t want to tell you, but you figured it out. I “was told” by an instructor that, “if you use ‘was’ your verb is not powerful enough to stand alone, thus boring.” So, yes Harvey, I have fixated on that a bit because I want my story to be “active” and exciting, not passive. OMG - I think you knew this, didn’t you?!