Character Description, and a Survey
In Today's Journal
* Quote of the Day
* One Example of Character Description
* A Quick Survey
* Of Interest
* The Numbers
Quote of the Day
"All you have to do is write one true sentence. Write the truest sentence that you know.” Ernest Hemingway
Yeah, I know the above is a repeat, but it's maybe the best advice Papa ever handed out about writing.
One Example of Character Description
The two paragraphs in this example comprise the opening of Chapter 4 of my current novel, which I wrote on Tuesday and cycled through on Wednesday. I also interrupted the cycling session to write this part of this post on Wednesday. So this is pretty much a real-time example.
The short, terse first paragraph works as-is and remains unchanged. It introduces the secondary character with an overview and provides the POV character's opinion of the secondary character.
The much longer second paragraph describes what the POV character takes in with the rest of his first impression.
The Original Description (101 words)
The woman didn’t fill the door by any means, but she made the view a lot better.
She stood about 5’2” and was slim with an athletic build. Her hair was black and in loose curls, and parted in the center. It fell to below her erect shoulders. Her eyes were a mellow brown and her broad smile made little wrinkles next to her nose like she was on the verge of laughing. She wore a short-sleeved soft-orange blouse tucked into jeans without a belt and white sneakers. A colorful sisal bag with rope handles dangled from her left hand. “Carmelita?”
After Cycling (102 words)
The woman didn’t fill the door by any means, but she made the view a lot better.
She stood about 5’2” and trim with an athletic build in white sneakers and a short-sleeved soft-orange blouse tucked into jeans without a belt. Skin like a smooth tan. Her black hair, bunched in loose curls and parted in the center, hung to below her shoulders. Her eyes a mellow brown, her broad smile made little wrinkles next to her nose like she was on the verge of laughing. A colorful sisal bag with rope handles dangled from one finger of her left hand. “Carmelita?”
Here's what's going on:
Bear in mind, I wrote and cycled through the excerpt while in the creative subconscious. Here, I'm describing with the conscious mind the various aspects of what I did.
With the entire character description presented in one medium-length paragraph (5 lines on the page), the POV character forces the reader to take-in the image with a single glance, just as he did.
The longer first sentence (2nd paragraph) followed by a sentence fragment speeds the reader along. The next three constructions slow the reader a little to prep him for the opening dialogue.
In the last sentence of the description, we force the reader to slow ever further by focusing down on the "rope handles" of the sisal bag, which dangle "from one finger" of the secondary character's left hand.
In the final sentence of the paragraph, the (apparently stricken) POV character simply states the woman's name, albeit as a question, thereby verifying and extending for the reader the initial opinion he offered in the short opening paragraph.
Nuances, right? And there are more nuances.
Also at work here is word choice, both vague vs. specific and specific vs. vague description, and much more. All in this one short passage. And this description also sets a mood or tone and introduces the rest of the scene.
For just one example, why the simile ("Skin like a smooth tan") instead of "Smoothly tanned skin" or just "Tanned skin" or some other version of that? (Because she's a Mexican woman. Whether she's also tanned doesn't matter to the POV character.)
Or why "like" (forming a second simile) instead of "as if" just before "she was on the verge of laughing"? ("Like" is more general whereas "as if" might indicate the POV character thought she was about to laugh at that moment, which he didn't.)
Notice the word count didn't change much, but also notice the lack of unnecessary state-of-being verbs (only "was" in the second simile) and throwaways like "she wore," etc. in the second version.
If all of you lived within a 200 mile radius, I think I'd offer a half-day or day-long seminar all based on this one passage.
Of course, you don't, but I AM open for questions at harveystanbrough@gmail.com.
In the alternative, leave a comment to let me know whether you learned anything from this or the other real-time examples I've posted recently.
Okay, back to my cycling session and the writing.
A Quick Survey
As I mentioned recently, I'm thinking of serializing some of my work, and maybe even serializing a novel as I write it.
If you would like to read a serialized novel free, probably 2-3 chapters per day, please leave a comment or let me know via email at harveystanbrough@gmail.com.
Note: I'm looking for numbers here. If you're interested, be sure to let me know. I can't count votes I don't have. If enough people are interested, I'll be back to tell you how and where to subscribe.
Please share this survey with others in your social media, etc.
Of Interest
How to Write a 60K Word Novel in One Month Using the Part-Time "Sprint" Method Great process article.
The Wolf Under the Table Similar to Raymond Chandler's advice to "Have guys come through the door with guns." Per usual, "In with the critical mind, out with the creative subconscious."
The Numbers
The Journal…………………………… 910
Writing of Blackwell Ops 41: León Garras
Day 1…… 1847 words. To date…… 1847
Day 2…… 3410 words. To date…… 5257
Day 3…… 3452 words. To date…… 8709 (corrected)
Day 4…… 2915 words. To date…… 11624
Fiction for April……………………….. 6525
Fiction for 2025………………………. 273475
Nonfiction for April………………........ 2680
Nonfiction for 2025…………………… 84210
2025 consumable words…………….. 351175
Average Fiction WPD (March)……... 3263
2025 Novels to Date…………………….. 7
2025 Novellas to Date…………………… 0
2025 Short Stories to Date……………… 11
Novels (since Oct 19, 2014)…………..... 111
Novellas (since Nov 1, 2015)…………… 10
Short stories (since Apr 15, 2014)……… 281
Short story collections……………………. 29
Disclaimer: Whatever you believe, unreasoning fear and the myths that outlining, revising, and rewriting will make your work better are lies. They will always slow your progress as a writer or stop you cold. I will never teach the myths on this blog.
Writing fiction should never be something that stresses you out. It should be fun. On this blog I teach Writing Into the Dark and adherence to Heinlein’s Rules. Because of WITD and because I endeavor to follow those Rules I am a prolific professional fiction writer. You can be too.
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This was very helpful Harvey. Thank you.
Great examples. And I think a serialized novel sounds like a fun idea!